Thank you to the kind reader who sent me the following links all about helping your child with autism to connect with their friends and join in on social activities such as birthday parties.

So, bust out the shaving cream, grab the dried rice, beans, and corn, and make your own fun!

7 Sensory Play Activities for Children on the Spectrum

How to Create the Ultimate Playroom for a Child With Autism

How to Explain Autism to Neurotypical Kids

How to Help Your Child with Autism Fit in Socially

Sensory Friendly Birthday Parties for Children with Autism

First love is an unparalleled phenomenon. Nothing can match it in terms of excitement, energy, and positive feelings. Romantic relationships expand adolescents’ social lives as they now spend more time with their boyfriend’s or girlfriends’s social group as well as their own.  They gain an intimate best friend, which needs their increasing friendship and intimacy demands. Teenagers now have someone they are open with and who is reciprocally open with them. They are deeply concerned with one another‘s well-being, which simultaneously feels good and somewhat cracks through their necessarily egocentric world. Trust and compassion are built up through their relationship.

As a parent, you hope that your child feels cared for, listened to, and respected as they navigate their romantic and sexual experiences.  It can be very difficult for parents to talk with their teenagers about this new uncharted territory.  In an ideal world, the road to sex is paved with lots of information and conversation about its mechanical and emotional aspects. Parents play important roles in many of the conversations. If you are too shy or embarrassed to talk about it yourself, you still need to make sure these conversations are taking place.

With this in mind, here are two podcasts that might help to open up the dialogue and increase your comfort level.

Mindshift: The Puberty Lady

Mindshift: Questions Boys Ask About Puberty

The most important thing is to start having these conversations with your children and to keep the dialogue open.
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Some kids acclimate quickly to new situations. They express excitement about meeting their new classmates at the start of the school year, jump right into the mix at birthday parties, and easily adapt if and when their regular routine is disrupted. For other kids, change is challenging. If your child fits into this latter category, you have a tougher job as a parent. Here are some tips for supporting the child who is behaviorally inhibited, struggles with transitions, and shies away in the face of new people and places.

Avoid Avoidance

What do you do when your child backs out of a playdate the night before because he's too scared to go to his friend's house?  As a parent, it's very tempting to call the other parent and cancel; but research shows that avoidance breeds more avoidance. By letting your child stay home, you would be telling him or her, "You can't handle it." Instead, try gradually building up to the playdate by setting smaller goals and praising each step along the way.   For example, you might sit down with your child and outline a "bravery chart" with smaller steps leading to the ultimate goal of the playdate; he or she could start with a playdate in your home, then in the friend's home with you present, then a short one alone, etc.

Model Calm

When your child is crying hysterically and shaking, it's easy to get anxious, frustrated, angry, discouraged, embarrassed or all of the above. It's even easier to lose it when you share some of your child's anxieties (read: "maybe something bad will happen to him or her  if I leave him or her there"). But in the face of uncertainty, kids look to their parents as guides, and they can be perceptive little individuals. Try to model calm and confidence through the tone and volume of your voice, your body language, and your facial expressions, even when you want to pull your hair out. Think of a few things that are relaxing to you (breathing, counting, using self-validating thoughts like, "this is just my anxiety, my child is ok," and imagining vacation scenes far, far away) and try them--repeatedly--until you find one that takes the edge off. When all else fails, faking it works too.

Refocus Attention on Approach (i.e., "Brave") Behavior

It's surprisingly easy to get stuck focusing on kids' anxious behaviors and reassuring them in relation to their fears. Yet reassurance tends to just reinforce anxiety. Instead, it's important to acknowledge the emotion and then refocus your attention and praise on brave behaviors or even small efforts toward brave behavior. For example, after acknowledging your child's anxiety, try to shift the emphasis by saying something like, "It sounds like you are feeling really afraid of going to Sam's house. What are two brave steps you could take to combat your fear?"

Seek Help if the Anxiety Takes Over
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If your child's anxiety seems to be pervading one or more areas, including school, relationships, or extracurricular activities, and has begun to interfere with his or her functioning, you should get help for your child from a professional.  

In the Bay Area, I am here to help children and teenagers who are struggling with anxiety.  Please contact me to obtain professional help for your child or teenager.

Being and practicing mindfulness for children, teenagers, and adults has been shown to improve attention, reduce stress and anxiety, increase your ability to regulate your emotions and feel more compassion for yourself and others.  There is remarkable evidence that shows that when you do things like mindfulness and relaxation training and yoga, that you are setting your body up to not express certain genes that could cause a lot of illness and disease in people. 

​While there are several apps to help children and teenagers to improve their mindfulness, there are also some great books and resources that children and teenagers might also benefit from reading.

1.  Sitting Still Like a Frog by Eline Snel

2.  The ABC's of Yoga for Kids by Teresa Power

3. The Yoga Game: By the Sea by Kathy Beliveau

4.  The Mindful Child: How to Help Your Kid Manage Stress and Become Happier, Kinder, and More Compassionate by Susan Greenland

5. Little Flower Yoga for Kids: A Yoga and Mindfulness Program to Help Your Child Improve Attention and Emotional Balance by Jennifer Harper

6.  Yoga Pretzels by Tara Guber and Leah Kalish

Thank you to the reader who sent me these fantastic articles about vacation ideas for children with special needs.  Whether you plan a staycation or a vacation, enjoy it with your family, friends, and loved ones.

32 Vacation Destinations for Individuals with Special Needs

Finding the Right Hotel for Your Child with Special Needs

Backyard Camping for Kids with Disabilities

Playground Tips for Children with Special Needs

Teaching Swimming to Children with Disabilities: Benefits and Safety Precautions

The Best Bikes for Special Needs Kids

Take a day this month to explore that nearby beautiful garden or listen to a song, new or beloved.  

Pursue this delightful article by Oliver Sacks on the psychological and physiological Healing Power of Gardens.

No matter how confident your child is at the prospect of starting middle school, chances are there's something about it that has them scared silly. What concerns kids most—and how can parents help them work through their fears? An informal survey of parents, students, and experts who work with adolescents turned up the following:

• Combination locks. Many a preteen is terrified that they won't be able to get their locker open. As a result, they will be stuck with no place to put their books, or they will not be able to retrieve needed materials for the next class or at the end of the day.  What you can do: First, understand that this fear isn't completely unfounded, as students have limited time between classes. Try buying your preteen a combination lock over the summer to practice on, or see if the school will allow your child to come try the lockers out before the start of the school year.
• Being late for class. Yes, preteens have loads of energy, but even they find it challenging to move from class to class on time. The consequence for lateness can be detention. No kid wants to get in trouble because they weren't fast enough!  What you can do: Reassure your child that they are not alone. Brainstorm ways to streamline the process. What will they do if they are not sure where a particular class is located? Who can they ask for directions (for example, the teacher of a previous class, or an advisor)? Is your child good at keeping their books and papers organized? If not, help them to organize their binders and books so they don't waste precious minutes between classes.  And remind your child that they will have to save socializing for lunchtime or after school.
• Not having friends.  Often children worry at the start of middle school about making friends. Middle school can be an especially difficult time for girls, given the rotating nature of girls' friendships, the emergence of queen bees, and the shifting social order.  What you can do: Try to focus on this time of new beginnings. You might ask, "Do you know anyone from your old school who is going to be there?" If your child scoffs at your attempts to identify potentially friendly faces in the crowd, try to identify their fears and put them in perspective. You might say, "You had friends at your old school, what do you imagine might happen that you wouldn't you be able to make friends at the new one?" or "Are you worried that the kids from your elementary school won't want to be friends anymore?" Don't feel like you have to supply a steady stream of solutions. Sometimes it helps kids just to voice their fears to a sympathetic listener.
• Being too different. Nothing is worse for middle schoolers than standing out in a way they haven't chosen, which means anything at the far end of the "normal" curve. For a girl, it could mean being the tallest in the class or the most developed; for a boy, it could mean being the shortest or the clumsiest. At some schools, fashion is the arbiter of all things cool, and middle schoolers may live in dread of showing up with the wrong backpack, brand of jeans, or style of shoes.
  What you can do: First, understand that the tween years are a stage that marks the beginning of their search for an identity. Whatever it is about your preteen's personality or appearance that concerns them, don't say, "That's silly," or "It doesn't matter." Minimizing their feelings (even with the best of intentions) will only make your child feel more alone. Preteens' self-esteem drops during this time, due to a combination of hormonal activity (remember too that puberty is setting in) and brain development. Emphasize the positive as one way of boosting an insecure preteen's confidence. If, for example, a boy is small in stature but fast on the playing field, his parents could coach him to view his size as an asset rather than a liability.
• Tough classes. Some kids worry that they won't be able to keep up academically. A child who is nervous about the increased workload may worry that there will be too much reading, or that he or she got good grades in elementary school not because they were smart, but because the teachers liked them.
  What you can do: There's certainly nothing wrong with acknowledging that the work will be harder (it will be!), but assure your child that it won't be more than they can handle. Remind your preteen that while being a good student is important, they have other strengths as well — perhaps they love to draw, or play soccer — so that their entire sense of self isn't wrapped up in grades. Encourage them to let a teacher — and you — know if they think they need extra help or if they are  falling behind. That way you can take steps to address problems early on, perhaps by having your preteen meet with a teacher after school, or working with a tutor.

 

The benefits of mindfulness are not just anecdotal: A growing body of scientific research shows its positive effects on mental health and well-being. Practicing mindfulness has been shown to improve attention and reduce stress as well as increase one's ability to regulate emotions and feel compassion and empathy.  Mindfulness is also widely considered an effective psychotherapy treatment for adults, children, and adolescents with aggression, ADHD, or other mental health issues such as anxiety.  To learn more about the benefits of mindfulness, please check out this thorough article about mindfulness with children across the all the developmental phases.

There is remarkable evidence that shows that when you do things like mindfulness and relaxation training and yoga, that you are setting your body up to not express certain genes that could cause a lot of illness and disease in people. And the idea of kids learning this is quite beneficial, especially when we add in the different environment that kids these days are growing up in with technology. While we love our phones and some of us love them more than others, we really are creating an entirely different experience for kids these days.  And the idea of having this mindfulness to rely on, to clear your mind, to enter into a thoughtless state and to really align your mind and body in a very positive way is very good preventive medicine.

I find in my work with families that parents are just as happy to be doing it as the kids are. And I essentially think all kids need to learn how to do calm breathing and one nostril breathing, which is where you close one nostril and you close your mouth and breathe in very slowly in and out through the other nostril. Usually you breathe in for seven and out for nine. And you do it for several minutes until you get really relaxed.

But, there are all of these apps now where parents can help their children learn how to relax. For example, C-A-L-M, is an app, which has an amazing bedtime stories as part of the app. Part of the app is free and part of it you have to pay for and the bedtime stories unfortunately is something you have to pay for. But, I’ve had children who’ve had a lot of trouble relaxing before bed and they listen to these stories. There’s one where the man’s voice is very soothing and you almost want to fall asleep the second he starts talking. And of course, that’s one way to use it. Another way is not at bedtime, but for them to really learn how to relax and how to decompress. And what I suggest is looking at the different apps to see if any resonate for you, your child or teen, and your family. InsightTimer is a good one. Buddhify is another one.   Headspace is another good app.  The most important part is to start somewhere and make it a habit.
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Ah, middle school. Though your child may barely be entering puberty and may still be a pre-teen, the transition to middle school is a big step on the road to maturity. A big, scary step. Regardless of what specific grade marks the beginning of junior high or middle school in your community, your child will be both excited and afraid. Researchers have found that students anticipating the move to middle school worry about three aspects of the change: logistical, social, and academic. Your child with learning or attention difficulties shares the same worries as their peers, and may be afraid the change will be even harder for them.

While you won’t be able to calm your child’s fears completely, with some advance planning and open discussions you can substantially ease their mind. The first step is understanding what may worry your child.

Logistical Concerns

When researchers asked kids what aspect of moving to middle school most concerned them, the top answers related to how things at the new school worked (Akos, 2002). How would they find the right classroom? What happened if they were tardy? Where was the cafeteria? What about the bathrooms?

Middle school is a much more complex environment than grade school. The campus is larger, there are more students, and instead of one teacher and one classroom, your child will have a separate instructor and classroom, for each subject or block of subjects (e.g., language arts/social studies or math/science). It’s no wonder kids worry about finding their way in this new world.

For your student with learning or attention problems, understanding the rules and procedures of the new school may be even more important. The challenge of navigating multiple transitions between classes and organizing books and materials for every subject may be all she can handle in the first few weeks.

Here are some strategies for helping your child make a smoother transition to middle school:

• Explore the school’s website with your child. Search for announcements, schedules, and events.
• Accompany your child on campus tours and orientations offered to parents and incoming students. The better you understand the school layout and rules, the more you can help your child.
• Get a map of the campus and take your child to explore. Pick a time after school in the spring or in the days just before school starts in the fall. Be sure to check in with the school office to get an okay for your explorations.
• Include a couple of your child’s friends on campus treks. They can boost each other’s memory about where things are when school starts.
• Take advantage of summer programs — academic or recreational — offered at the new school for incoming students. Your child will get the feel for the campus in a much more relaxed atmosphere.
• If you can, get a copy of your child’s class schedule and mark the location of their locker and each classroom and bathroom on the school map. Tape both of these inside their binder and locker.  If your child has trouble reading maps, walk the route between classes with them — more than once, if necessary — and note landmarks that your child can use to navigate.
• Find out the length of the passing period between classes. Time it out for your child. Demonstrate how far they can walk in that amount of time.
• Get a copy of the student handbook. Review rules and requirements — especially the school’s code of conduct, which describes consequences for violations of the most important rules. Ask the school staff questions about anything that is unclear.
• Buy your child a lock for her locker several weeks before school starts to give them plenty of time to practice opening and closing it. (Note: Consider whether a combination or keyed lock is best for your child.)  In some schools, this will not be feasible as the lockers come with built-in locks.  Your child might feel anxious dealing with a lock, especially a combination lock, for the first time.
• Make sure your child has an easy-to-read wristwatch so they can quickly see if they need to hurry to be on time to class. 

Social Fears

Another area of worry for students moving to middle school is the social scene. Will I see anyone I know? Will it be hard to make friends? Will I have to eat lunch alone? Are the older kids bullies?
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Your child is moving from the top of the elementary school heap to the bottom rung of the middle school social ladder.  They may have heard that the older students tease or bully the younger ones. They know for sure that they and their best friends are unlikely to be in every single class together, and, even worse, there may be classes where they don’t know anyone at all on the first day. And if your child with learning or attention problems struggles to make friends anyway, then this all adds up to a potential social nightmare.

Remember that, in addition to changing schools, your child is entering adolescence, a stage when kids start to rely much more on peers and pull away from parents. This is a time when being part of a group is very important and being perceived as different can be devastating. It’s not surprising that finding friends in the new school is a top priority.

The good news is that the more varied social environment also offers many opportunities to meet people. Being in multiple classes each day means your student is surrounded by more potential friends. The better news is that, once students are settled into middle school, they report that friendships and the social scene are among the best things about school (Akos, 2002: Forgan, 2000).

Some things that you can do to ease the social transition:

• Encourage your child to join sports teams, clubs, or other extracurricular activities.
• Ease any loneliness in the early weeks of school by helping your child arrange weekend social activities with neighborhood, church, or grade school friends.
• Encourage your child to join group conversations. Discuss how to join in without interrupting, to add something relevant to conversation in progress, etc.
• Talk about traits that make a good friend (such as being a good listener).
• Talk about social skills. Discuss how words and actions can affect other people.
• Practice skills needed for difficult social situations.
• Remind your child to make eye contact when speaking or listening.

Academic Concerns

Though most students worry more about the logistical and social aspects of middle school before they get there, once settled in, academic concerns rise to the surface. Will the classes be too difficult? Will there be too much homework? Are the teachers hard graders?

It’s quite typical for students’ academic performance to drop upon entering middle school. Along with everything else that’s going on – roller coaster emotions, physical changes, and social upheaval – your child is also coping with harder classes, more homework, and a whole new set of academic expectations. Middle school teachers don’t form the close bonds with students that your child enjoyed in grade school. There is less small group and personalized instruction. Teachers expect students to take charge of assignments and projects with less day-to-day guidance.

For a student with learning or attention difficulties, these changes can come as quite a shock. Teachers may vary in their willingness to understand and accommodate your child’s learning needs. Organization and time management demands rise to a new level. Though it can seem overwhelming, keep reminding your child that they can manage these changes successfully, though it will take time and practice.

Some tips to help ease their academic concerns:

• If your child has an Individualized Education Program (IEP), meet with the middle school IEP team no later than the spring before your child enters the new school. Discuss the qualities of the “ideal” teacher for your child to help ensure the best placements.
• Meet with teachers early in the school year. Give them a profile of your child’s strengths and weaknesses.
• Encourage teachers to continue using strategies that have worked for your child in the past, such as writing homework assignments on the board, or assigning your child a “homework buddy” they can contact if they forget what assignments they have. If the school has a homework hotline, make sure your child knows how to use it.
• Help your child with time management skills. Work together on a schedule for study time, break time, chores, etc.
• Work out an organizational system with your child. Acknowledge and make allowances for their worry and anxiety; at first, they may need to carry everything for all classes all the time in order to feel prepared.
• Avoid overreacting to grades. Making sure your child gets a handle on how to meet the demands of the new school is the critical factor in the early weeks.
• Stay connected to your child’s school work. Try to teach your student to work more independently while supporting them enough to give and boost their confidence.
• Go to back-to-school night, open houses, parent-teacher conferences and other events where you can connect with your child’s teachers.
• Help your child be their own advocate. Encourage them to discuss problems and solutions with teachers on their own, but be ready to step in and help as needed.

The best way to help your child through this transition is to keep a positive attitude about middle school. You may remember how clueless, awkward, and self-conscious you felt at that age. Empathize with your child and normalize their experience. Reassure them that they will become more comfortable and confident with time. Remind your child that the school and the teachers want them to be successful and that they have what it takes to make it all work.

Most students make the adjustment to the routines and demands of middle school within a couple months. If your child is still struggling as fall gives way to winter, then a meeting with their counselor may be in order. Together, you, your student and the counselor can pinpoint specific trouble spots and brainstorm ways to get things on track.

Try to give your tween plenty of information about how things will work in middle school, but be careful not to overload them. Be proactive in sharing information with them while also encouraging them to ask questions.  The more they know up front, the more comfortable they will be on the first day, and beyond.

References

• Akos, Patrick. “Student perceptions of the transition from elementary to middle school.” Professional School Counseling, June 2002; 5(5):339-45
• Forgan, James W. “Adolescents with and without LD make the transition to middle school.” Journal of Learning Disabilities 2000; 33(1):33-43