Happy 2020!  It's a brand new year.  And like most people, you might have made or are going to make some new year's resolutions for 2020.  Perhaps you want to learn how to meditate, erase your debt, eat more fruits and vegetables, go on long hikes, or be mindful when talking to your spouse and children.  

We start the new year and each day with the hope of attaining these goals.  But we are often really afraid to try because we have tried so many times before and don't want to be disappointed.  Recent research suggests that 88% of people fail to stick to their resolutions to change and improve their lives.

We often fail to change our habits because our brain craves consistency and routine and tries so hard to resist change.  It can be very discouraging to try to do things differently, only to find ourselves falling back into old maladaptive patterns.

Most people believe that if we are hard on ourselves, we will be motivated to change.  But the contrary is actually true.  Showing self-compassion, being warm and supportive towards ourselves and actively soothing ourselves, helps more when we fall short of our intentions and goals.  Self-compassion leads to less anxiety, less depression, and greater peace of mind.  Most importantly, it makes us feel more motivated to make the improvements we want to make.

Here are three steps to achieve your resolutions.

1. Forgive yourself

The first step to making lasting change is to forgive yourself for having failed in the past. It’s okay; it’s normal, even. You did the best you could with the skills you had. Take a deep breath and soothe yourself like you might soothe or talk to a good friend.   Use kind, reassuring words to ease yourself out of a stress response. Remind yourself that few people are successful the first time they try to change their routines. Explain to yourself that feeling bad about your behavior will not increase your future success.

2. Aim for an inherently rewarding target

The second step is to set the right resolution, whether that’s a big audacious goal, a new habit you’d like to get into, or a bad habit you’d like to break.

To begin, you might want to:

• Lose weight
• Get in shape or establish an exercise habit
• Spend more time with your friends

It’s important to figure out WHY you want to do this thing that you haven’t been doing so far. You might have a whole laundry list of reasons for wanting to do what you want to do, and that’s great. But right now, I want you to think of the single most compelling way that you’ll benefit from achieving your goal.

Chances are, you’ve come up with a super logical reason for, say, losing weight or exercising, like that it will lower your blood pressure.

Here’s the thing: Even though we all like to think of ourselves as rational people, logic doesn’t motivate us nearly as much as our emotions do. Why? Because we approach what feels good and avoid what feels bad.

This means that we tend to stick with behavior changes for longer when we aim for something that feels good. Doing something because we feel like we should do it doesn’t feel good. It feels like we’re being forced. It’s stressful, and stress makes us seek comfort, often in the very form of behavior that we are trying to avoid.

So, ask yourself in your heart of hearts, how do you really want to feel? Identify a WHY for your resolution that will motivate you over the long haul.

Maybe you want to lose weight, for example, and so you plan to cut baked goods out of your diet, which happen to be your favorite foods. How will that make you feel?

At first, you might feel great, because you’ve just made a healthy decision for yourself. But if you don’t cheat on your diet, you’ll likely soon feel deprived. And if you do begin to cheat on your diet, you’ll probably feel anxious and guilty. Both of these feeling states are not motivating and uncomfortable, which will make it easy for you to give up on your diet.

But maybe the reason that you want to lose weight is so that you feel healthy and strong. Feeling stronger and healthier are very motivating feeling states, which will make it much easier for you to keep your new habit.

With this in mind, rethink your goal or resolution: Restate it for yourself in terms of how you want to feel.  For example:

• “I forbid myself to eat baked goods” could become → “I want to feel healthy and strong.”
• “I have to get more sleep” could become → “I want to feel well-rested and energetic.”
• “I should spend more time with friends” could become → “I want to feel loving and connected.”

3. Refine your resolution

​What actions and behaviors have led you to feel what you want to feel in the past?

Maybe you tend to feel well-rested and energetic when you go to bed before 10 p.m. Perhaps you tend to feel healthy and strong when you go for a hike. Maybe you feel loving and connected when you spend one-on-one time with your sister.

The important thing here is that it is something that you already have experience with; we human beings tend to be truly terrible at predicting how something will make us feel. But we do well to use our own experience to predict how we’ll feel in the future.

Here’s an example of how we frequently go wrong: Say we'd like to feel stronger this upcoming year. This calls for a get-in-shape habit. So, what would be a good way to get in shape? We could train for a marathon! Fun! Ambitious! But before we start researching destination marathons (because why not make it a vacation, too?), we'd do well to stop and ask: How do we feel when we are training for a long run? 

On the other hand, I can think of two activities that DO make me feel stronger:

• Taking long hikes
• High-intensity exercise classes where I sweat a lot

Your “why” for your goal needs to be a rewarding feeling that you experience when you are doing your resolution or, at the very least, immediately after you do it. A daily hike must genuinely make you feel energized, for example, if that is the feeling you are after. 

From here, refine your resolution one more time. Make sure that your resolution reflects a really specific behavior, so that you know if you are succeeding or not. For example, resolve to take three hikes per week after work on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays instead of resolving to “go for more hikes.”

Finally, do a little reality check. Setting unrealistic resolutions is a sure path to failure. If it’s just not realistic for you to, say, leave work an hour early on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that you can do your hike, please don’t make that your resolution.

If you are now aiming for a target that is specific, realistic, and inherently rewarding (because you know it is going to make you feel good), you are all set to accomplish those 2020 resolutions!

One of the most common reasons why people fail to meet their goals is because they are discouraged by their setbacks.
Recent research at Rutgers University reveals that people who felt a setback was within their control were more likely to persevere afterward, as were people who got more frustrated by adversity.  The results coincide with a larger body of research suggesting that if you approach setbacks and your ensuing negative emotions with the right mindset, you will be more likely to bounce back.

Here are some ways to increase your feelings of control:

• Every setback is educational and will help you learn how to succeed.  
• See the journey to your goal as an adventure. Any setbacks are interesting plot twists rather than verdicts on your abilities.
• Re-evaluate your actions to consider what you might have done differently.
• Look at the chance to try again as an opportunity and another learning experience.
• Change your mindset to view persistence as a choice, instead of a personality trait.
• Seek specific critical feedback.  Detailed information and feedback can help you focus on what might need to be changed.

Using frustration to your advantage:

• Look at frustration as a positive sign that you care about your goal.
• Allow frustration to fuel you.  Use it to guide you to what can be done differently the next time.  This shift in perspective will allow you to see setbacks as valuable information.
• Try not to beat yourself up.  Blaming yourself and feeling inadequate may prevent you from figuring out what to change on your next attempt.
• Attempt to decrease stress in general and overall.  People have a harder time coping with emotions when they are stressed or overwhelmed.

​Happy New Year!  As this new year begins, we tend to look to ways to renew, connect and invigorate our lives.  We most likely have personal, professional, and spiritual goals that we are striving for in the new year.  These goals and aspirations may come in the forms of New Year’s resolutions.  Despite your belief in New Year’s resolutions, they are, at the core, about making positive changes in one’s life.  As a licensed psychologist, I deal with change and helping people to attain the change they want in their lives on a daily basis.
 
In 1984, two researchers in the field of chemical dependency, Carlo DiClemente and J. Prochaska introduced a six-stage model of change to help professionals understand their clients with addiction problems.  Their model is based on personal observation of how people proceeded with modifying problematic behaviors, such as smoking, drug or alcohol consumption, and overeating. 

DiClemente and Prochaska’s model involves six stages that takes a person from the beginning of learning by identifying the problem to the final result of living without that problem.  The six stages of the model are precontemplation, contemplation, determination, action, maintenance, and termination.  Changing lifestyles, habits, or beliefs can be a daunting task; but having an understanding of how change takes place and the process that is involved can help us tremendously.  These are the steps that we must take in order to make lasting changes. 
 
           Precontemplation
 
Individuals in the precontemplation stage are not thinking about changing their behavior.  People in this stage are often described as “in denial” due to their claim that their behavior is not a problem or that others who point out the problem are exaggerating.  A person in the precontemplation stage may feel resigned to their current state or believe that they have no control over their behavior.  They may be overwhelmed by the problematic behavior. 
 
          Contemplation
 
During this stage, people are becoming more aware that they might have a problem.  They are starting to think about the potential benefits of making a change, but the costs tend to stand out even more.  This tension creates ambivalence about changing.  They are on the fence. The contemplation stage is not a stage of commitment, but more a stage of learning about their area of difficulty and the different treatment options. 
 
Because of this high ambivalence and uncertainty, the contemplation stage of change can last months or even years. In fact, many people never make it past the contemplation phase. During this stage, you may view change as a process of giving something up rather than a means of gaining emotional, mental, or physical benefits.

          Determination: Commitment to Action

During the determination or preparation stage, while the ambivalence might still be there in smaller degrees, the individual has resolved to make some changes.  You might begin by making smaller changes to prepare for a larger change.  For example, if your goal is to lose weight, you might drink more water, and eat less fried foods.  If your goal is to stop smoking, you might smoke a few less cigarettes each day.  You might take some form of direct action, such as consulting a therapist, joining a health club or weight loss group, or read some self-help books.
​
This stage represents preparation as much as determination. The next step in this stage is to make a realistic plan. Commitment to change without appropriate skills and activities can create a shaky and incomplete action plan. Often, with the help of a treatment professional, individuals will make a realistic assessment of the level of difficulty involved in stopping their problematic behavior.  They will begin to anticipate pitfalls and come up with concrete solutions. 

           Action

In this fourth stage of change, people begin taking more direct action in order to accomplish their goals.  The action stage typically involves making some form of public commitment in order to get external confirmation of the plan.  Making such public commitments not only helps people obtain the support they need, but it creates external monitors. People often find it very helpful to know that others are watching and cheering them on. A person who has implemented a good plan begins to see it working and experiences it working over time, making adjustments along the way.  The action stage normally takes three to six months to complete.

Oftentimes, resolutions fail because the previous steps have not been given enough thought or time.  For example, many people make a new year’s resolution to lose weight and immediately start a new exercise regimen, begin eating a healthier diet, and cut back on sugary snacks. These definitive steps are vital to success, but these efforts are often abandoned in a matter of weeks because the previous steps have been overlooked.

If you are currently taking action towards achieving a goal, congratulate and reward yourself for any positive steps you take. Reinforcement and support are extremely important in helping maintain positive steps toward change. Take the time to periodically review your motivations, resources, and progress in order to refresh your commitment and belief in your abilities.

          Maintenance

Change requires building a new pattern of behavior over time. The real test of change is long-term sustained change over many years. This fifth stage of successful change is called maintenance.  During this stage, people become more assured that they will be able to continue making the change that they have begun. If you are trying to maintain a new behavior, look for ways to avoid temptation. Try replacing old habits with more positive actions.

In any behavioral change, relapses are a common occurrence.  When you go through a relapse, you might experience feelings of failure, disappointment, anger, and frustration.  The key to success is to not let these setbacks undermine your self-confidence. Relapses are common and are a part of the process of making lifelong change.  If you relapse back to an old behavior, take a good look at what caused the relapse.  What were the triggers and what can you do to avoid these triggers in the future, if possible?

While relapses can be difficult, the best solution is to start again with the preparation, action, or maintenance stages of behavior change. You might want to reassess your resources and techniques. Reaffirm your motivation, plan of action, and commitment to your goals. Also, make plans for how you will deal with any future temptations.

          Termination
 
The ultimate goal in the change process is termination. At this stage, the individual feels that the old behavior is not a threat anymore and that he or she has complete confidence to cope without fear of relapse.  In this final stage of termination, the threat of relapse is truly reduced. When triggers arise, such as personal crisis or financial hardship, the person has a support system in place and resources available to maintain their new healthier habits.