So many of us ponder how we can be closer with those very important people in our lives; our VIP's. This might be a sibling, parent, boss, friend, spouse, or our own children. 

Here are some great TED talks on different ways to build meaningful connections with your VIP's.  The TED talks are about 15-20 minutes each so feel free to enjoy them all at once or sneak them in over a day or two.  Either way, they will help you to bridge some of those gaps in your VIP relationships and feel more connected.

These TedTalks are a collection of talks to enjoy before welcoming a new little life into the world.  
Enjoy!

     Happy New Year!  Over the holidays, I came across a New York Times article that explored whether intimacy between two strangers can be advanced by having them ask each other a series of specific personal questions.  The 36 questions in the study are broken up into 3 sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous set. The idea is that mutual vulnerability leads to greater intimacy. Read the original article here.

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
​
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Here's to a new year and deeping our current relationships and opening ourselves up to new relationships and experiences.  

          Most of us believe that we are good listeners. As a psychologist, I spend my days listening to people and trying to help them.  But we all have times when the people we care about feel that they are not being heard or listened to.  Here is some advice on how to be a better listener.

1.  Check your assumptions.  
          If you are already certain that you know what is going on in someone's head, your brain is primed to accept only information that agrees with your preconceived notions.  Yet, if you can cultivate a sense of genuine interest about where the other person is coming from and what he or she might say, you create an environment in which whoever you are talking to feels heard and you can actually hear.  While we are hardwired to make assumptions, it is possible to check your assumptions out loud with the person you are listening to.  Try asking "so you mean..." or "so you're thinking that..." and let the person confirm or correct. 

2.  Get curious.
          The amazing thing about being genuinely curious is that it keeps you from being defensive.  A good way to exercise curiosity is to ask open-ended questions such as "Can you say more about how that makes you feel/bothers you/to help me understand?"

3.  Suspend judgment.
          Sometimes we become so entrenched in our own beliefs  and opinions that we close down and don't want to hear anything else, even from those closest to us.  But if we close down, we are going to miss important messages.  The first thing to do is to suspend your judgment.  Try really hard to let the other person talk.  Take in the entire message, no interruptions allowed, and just listen.  When you do that, you will often find that even if you do disagree there is at least some shared ground or goals, which makes it easier to put yourself in the other person's shoes.  This is what empathy is all about.  

4.  Know when to tap out.
           Genuine listening requires humility and curiosity, and neither humility nor curiosity can be faked successfully.  If you are not feeling well, if you are hurried, stressed, or overwhelmed, you are not going to be able to be truly present  and curious during a conversation, especially a tough or difficult conversation.  In those moments, there is nothing wrong with saying, " I can hear that this is really important to you, and I want to give you my full, undivided attention.  Can we wait for a bit?  I need some time."  

Psychologists John and Julie Gottman have been researching couples and relationships for over 40 years.  These renowned experts on marital stability run The Gottman Institute, which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific research.

Their research has shown that kindness is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.  If you desire a stable and healthy relationship, practice kindness with your partner early and often.

Generosity is the second most important quality in building a lasting, strong relationship.  We often think of generosity as small acts of kindness like doing the dishes when your partner is tired or buying your partner some flowers or giving your partner a long hug after a long, hard day at work. But generosity can also be seen as being generous about your partner's intentions.

Read more about these ideas to building and maintaining a healthy, lasting relationship in this article.