Miranda J. Gabriel, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist PSY 19388
​510-459-1302
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How to Handle A Chronic Complainer

3/2/2022

 
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We all need to vent once in a while. But when it comes to chronic complainers, those individuals who always seem to have something negative to say, it can be exhausting and frustrating to be around them.

To understand how to handle constant complainers, it's important to first recognize that they may not even realize they are doing it.  They may think that they are just talking but they may not realize that they are on their third, fourth, or fifth complaint in a row.

One way to deal with a chronic complainer, you have the opportunity to shift the conversation or ideally, to start the conversation on a positive note.  We can try to make a mental list of the topics that they often complain about and avoid mentioning them.  

Another strategy is to be aware of how you think about boundaries.  Often, people think they are setting boundaries when they are actually just trying to change the other person.  You can determine how you listen.  You can determine what you do when the other person complains but you can't make them stop complaining.   So, if you find yourself trying to set a boundary by attempting to "make" them stop complaining, that may be a sign that you should consider limiting your interactions with them altogether.  This is the choice that you have with chronic and constant complainers.


"Rule of 3" to be Better Liked and Make a Better First Impression

5/8/2021

 
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According to a 2017 Harvard study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, asking a question and then asking at least two follow-up questions will dramatically increase how likable you are.

We converse with others to learn what they know, their information, stories, preferences, ideas, thoughts, and feelings, as well as what we know while managing others' perceptions of us.   When we ask more questions, we are perceived as higher in responsiveness, an interpersonal construct  that captures listening, understanding, validation, and care.

Asking a few questions, and actually listening to the answers, and people will like you more.  It sounds too good to be true, but it is. 

Around 40% of our everyday speech is spent telling other people about our subjective experiences.  Not facts or instructions or outcome-based conversations, which account for another chunk of our everyday speech, but what we think or feel.  Talking about ourselves, whether in person or on social media, increases activity in brain regions associated with the sense of reward and satisfaction gained from food, money, or sex.  

We want and need to talk about ourselves.  Therefore, when you actively help other people talk about themselves, they will see you as a great conversationalist.  They will feel better about themselves, because they will feel like you care about them.

Say you meet someone new.  As soon as you learn a little about them, ask how they did or do it?  How they felt? Or what they like about it, learned from it, or what advice they might have?  Asking at least two follow-up questions shows you respect the other person's experiences, knowledge, opinions, etc.  You respect them as a person.  This makes you a more likable person and helps to build the foundation for a genuine relationship.

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Making Memories and Building Friendships

4/5/2021

 
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Friendship is hard: finding new friends, maintaining  relationships, and navigating conflict are all difficult tasks. There’s no way around this fact.

​Especially as a 20-something, making friends seems harder and harder as responsibilities grow and free time shrinks. But another thing is undeniably true: friendship is worth the struggle. We are made for connection. 

I think the quality of our friendships can often be traced to the quality of the time we spend together. As we get older, friendship can sometimes be crammed into the space of lunch breaks or evening dinner plans. While there’s nothing wrong with these things, they don’t really build the kind of memories that lead to rich connections.

As kids, we inherently knew this. We rode bikes with our friends, became mini entrepreneurs with thriving lemonade stands, and went on long adventures in our neighborhoods. As adults, our relationships center more around good conversation than the activities we do together. We need people we can discuss ideas with and people that can join us on active adventures. The richest friendships contain both ingredients.

Here are some ideas to bring creativity to your friendships:

TOUR YOUR OWN CITY
Instead of going to your favorite lunch spot, look up popular activities in your town. No matter where you live, chances are there is a tourist attraction within a day’s drive that you (or your friend) may have never visited.

VOLUNTEER TOGETHER
When friends share fundamental values, they share a common bond that’s deeper than gossip or mutual friends. Google nonprofits in your town and choose one whose mission resonates with you.

FIND AN EVENT OR CLASS TO DO TOGETHER
Maybe you want to learn how to cook, have been dying to try goat yoga, or have been thinking of renting a plot in your local community garden. Learning a new skill or laughing your way through a yoga class might be the ticket to forging a lasting relationship.

PLAN A TRIP SOMEWHERE NEW 
A friend of mine says that the best way to fast-track a friendship is to travel together. Travel not only forms beautiful memories, but it brings together the good and the bad: being stuck in a car together, learning who is a morning person and who is not, and trying not to get lost on the way to your Airbnb. Trips don’t have to be extravagant to be wonderful.

Even in friendship, we can get stuck in a rut and start to feel the relationship become mundane. Rich connections are formed when we build them on adventure, on shared values, and on vulnerability. Have the courage to try something new with a friend. Even if you find that it’s not your cup of tea, at the end of the day, you’ll have a great story to tell.

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Children’s Social and Emotional Development Starts with Co-Regulation

2/10/2020

 
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Dr. Gerard Costa, a DIRFloortime Expert, recently discussed the role of co-regulation in the development of self-regulation.  The article can be found on the National Institute for Children's Health Quality.

At the end of the article, he presents a very simple framework for thinking about how families can help engage in co-regulating experiences with their children.  It is worth a read.  Here is an excerpt:

Costa developed an acronym called A.G.I.L.E. that provides guidance on what constitutes a co-regulating response when the child is distressed. The guidance can help pediatric health professionals advise parents on what to keep in mind as they engage in co-regulating responses.

The AGILE Approach to Co-regulating Responses advises parents to pay close attention to their:
  • A - Affect: how your tone and expressions convey your emotions. In times of stress, is your affect loving, supportive, and soothing?
  • G - Gesture: Facial expressions, hand gestures, body moment, posturing and pacing all reflect your emotions and are felt by a child during your interactions.
  • I - Intonation: Modulating the tone of your voice helps conveys affect and social/emotional meaning. This is “felt” and “understood” long before words. And even after language develops, affect, gestures and intonation convey the genuine meaning of the interpersonal exchange. This communication is stronger than words.
  • L - Latency (Wait): Wait and give the child time to take in your gestures and intonations. Co-regulation requires patience.
  • E - Engagement: Before you continue, be sure you have engaged the child. Your baby’s facial expressions, sounds and body language will tell you if they are engaged.

Talking to Kids About Sex

11/4/2019

 
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First love is an unparalleled phenomenon. Nothing can match it in terms of excitement, energy, and positive feelings. Romantic relationships expand adolescents’ social lives as they now spend more time with their boyfriend’s or girlfriends’s social group as well as their own.  They gain an intimate best friend, which needs their increasing friendship and intimacy demands. Teenagers now have someone they are open with and who is reciprocally open with them. They are deeply concerned with one another‘s well-being, which simultaneously feels good and somewhat cracks through their necessarily egocentric world. Trust and compassion are built up through their relationship.

As a parent, you hope that your child feels cared for, listened to, and respected as they navigate their romantic and sexual experiences.  It can be very difficult for parents to talk with their teenagers about this new uncharted territory.  In an ideal world, the road to sex is paved with lots of information and conversation about its mechanical and emotional aspects. Parents play important roles in many of the conversations. If you are too shy or embarrassed to talk about it yourself, you still need to make sure these conversations are taking place.

With this in mind, here are two podcasts that might help to open up the dialogue and increase your comfort level.

Mindshift: The Puberty Lady

Mindshift: Questions Boys Ask About Puberty

The most important thing is to start having these conversations with your children and to keep the dialogue open.
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Supporting Siblings in Special Needs Families: Blog Roll

3/4/2019

 
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When one child in a family has difficulties that consume a lot of the family's attention, restrict family activities, or generate great concern, other children in the family may not get the attention that they deserve.  Siblings in families with special needs may feel a myriad of emotions such as sadness, disappointment, anger, or stress. Some siblings take care of themselves so that they are less of a burden to their family.

Here are some articles on ways to help support a sibling in a special needs family.  

1.  5 Ways to Support Siblings in Special Needs Families

2.  12 Ways to Support Siblings of Children with Disabilities

3.  10 Great Books if You Have Sibling with Special Needs

4. Supporting the Siblings of Special Needs Kids


Great TED Talks on Building Meaningful Connections

2/1/2019

 
So many of us ponder how we can be closer with those very important people in our lives; our VIP's. This might be a sibling, parent, boss, friend, spouse, or our own children. 

Here are some great TED talks on different ways to build meaningful connections with your VIP's.  The TED talks are about 15-20 minutes each so feel free to enjoy them all at once or sneak them in over a day or two.  Either way, they will help you to bridge some of those gaps in your VIP relationships and feel more connected.

Tips to Avoid Helicopter Parenting

1/8/2019

 
We have all see and heard of the helicopter parent.  The parent who hovers and makes most all decisions for their child.  This article sheds light on why helicopter parenting is detrimental to your child and what you can actually do to foster independence and responsibility.

Middle School Friendship Can Be Fleeting: Certain Shared Traits Stand the Test of Time

10/9/2018

 
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         Can you remember who your best friend was in seventh grade? If you are having difficulty, it could be because relationships at that age are often short-lived. Half of them do not last a year. The friendships that do last can be predicted based on demographic and behavioral similarities.

     There is a lot of change during middle school, and that change makes it hard to maintain friendships.  As kids move from one academic track to another, join or leave sports teams, or take up new extracurricular hobbies, the opportunities to interact with friends wax and wane. Middle school is also a time when growing personal autonomy first allows children the chance to pick their friends and invest—or not—in those relationships.

     A study conducted at Florida Atlantic University tracked 573 seventh-grade dyadic friendships until they ended or until 12th grade. Popularity, aggression and academic success emerged as important behavioral traits of friendships.  The more similar two friends were in these traits, the longer a relationship lasted. 
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     This quick turnover in middle school friendships is nothing to be worried about unless a child has trouble making friends.  Adults who want to help those children might emphasize that finding peers who are similar in personality and academic interests are central to creating lasting relationships.  


The Anatomy of Trust: Brene Brown

8/22/2017

 
"What does it mean to trust someone? What does it mean to trust yourself? Dr. Brené Brown breaks down her world renowned research into a jar of marbles... yes, a jar of marbles. Brené Brown’s SuperSoul Session takes you step by step through the acronym B.R.A.V.I.N.G revealing the anatomy of trust and why it all starts with the small, everyday moments you might be missing."

This is well-worth 25 minutes of your time! 


Read more: http://www.oprah.com/own-supersoulsessions/brene-brown-the-anatomy-of-trust-video#ixzz4qX677iIn
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    Miranda J. Gabriel, Psy.D.

    A licensed clinical psychologist providing psychotherapy to children, teens, and adults in the San Francisco Bay Area.


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