Miranda J. Gabriel, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist PSY 19388
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The Two Basic Traits Needed for a Lasting, Healthy Relationship

3/14/2016

 
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Psychologists John and Julie Gottman have been researching couples and relationships for over 40 years.  These renowned experts on marital stability run The Gottman Institute, which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific research.

Their research has shown that kindness is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.  If you desire a stable and healthy relationship, practice kindness with your partner early and often.

Generosity is the second most important quality in building a lasting, strong relationship.  We often think of generosity as small acts of kindness like doing the dishes when your partner is tired or buying your partner some flowers or giving your partner a long hug after a long, hard day at work. But generosity can also be seen as being generous about your partner's intentions.

Read more about these ideas to building and maintaining a healthy, lasting relationship in this article.

Use Setbacks to Your Advantage

3/3/2016

 
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One of the most common reasons why people fail to meet their goals is because they are discouraged by their setbacks.
Recent research at Rutgers University reveals that people who felt a setback was within their control were more likely to persevere afterward, as were people who got more frustrated by adversity.  The results coincide with a larger body of research suggesting that if you approach setbacks and your ensuing negative emotions with the right mindset, you will be more likely to bounce back.

Here are some ways to increase your feelings of control:
  • Every setback is educational and will help you learn how to succeed.  
  • See the journey to your goal as an adventure. Any setbacks are interesting plot twists rather than verdicts on your abilities.
  • Re-evaluate your actions to consider what you might have done differently.
  • Look at the chance to try again as an opportunity and another learning experience.
  • Change your mindset to view persistence as a choice, instead of a personality trait.
  • Seek specific critical feedback.  Detailed information and feedback can help you focus on what might need to be changed.

Using frustration to your advantage:
  • Look at frustration as a positive sign that you care about your goal.
  • Allow frustration to fuel you.  Use it to guide you to what can be done differently the next time.  This shift in perspective will allow you to see setbacks as valuable information.
  • Try not to beat yourself up.  Blaming yourself and feeling inadequate may prevent you from figuring out what to change on your next attempt.
  • Attempt to decrease stress in general and overall.  People have a harder time coping with emotions when they are stressed or overwhelmed.

    Miranda J. Gabriel, Psy.D.

    A licensed clinical psychologist providing psychotherapy to children, teens, and adults in the San Francisco Bay Area.


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