Being stuck inside can make you feel bored, frustrated, and completely exhausted, which might seem contradictory if you feel you haven't done anything aside from watching Netflix and make sourdough bread.  The constraints of the pandemic can make us feel sapped and drained.  Many people are wondering what they can do to maintain or increase their energy levels, while protecting themselves and their families from contracting the virus.

The changes in our routines, our mood, multiple Zoom meetings, and being bombarded with as much news as we allow ourselves to read or listen to are all adversely affecting everyone's sleep and energy.

When you feel more stressed as most of us feel during the pandemic, you are prone to also feel more exhausted.  The body responds to stress by staying in the fight-or-flight mode, which produces more cortisol and makes you sleep more lightly.  Additionally, when under stress, we often crave denser food such as mashed potatoes or juicy hamburgers.  But all of that comfort food, also interferes with your ability to get quality sleep and therefore makes you more tired.

And when you do manage to get some quality sleep, it might be laden with nightmares during the pandemic.  The Lyon Neuroscience Research Center found a 15% increase in negative dreams like nightmares.  For people not on the front lines of healthcare and emergency response, fears of the novel coronavirus are projected into fears and threats of spiders, zombies, bugs, and shadowy figures.

The best way to increase your energy is to exercise.  Regular exercise boots your energy and improves your immune system.  There are a wide number of fitness workouts that are available online during the shelter-in-place.  In the Bay Area, we are allowed to go for a socially distant walk or run as long as you maintain at least 6-feet of social distance.  So, lace up your sneakers and go for a brisk walk for 30 minutes to get your blood flowing, reduce your stress, clear your mind, and increase your energy.  Other ideas to get your heart pumping while indoors include jumping rope, your favorite warrior yoga pose, a dance party with your children, or master the latest TikTok dances to your favorite music.  Don't forget to strength train indoors as well.  Try using household objects as weights such as the detergent bottle, milk jugs, packages of sugar or rice.  Keep the weight balanced on both sides of the body.  

Regular exercise can tire you out and make your sleep deeper and more restful, which will improve your energy over time.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, here are 55 fun and useful skills to teach your children and teenagers while we continue to shelter in place.  

Stay safe and healthy!

1. Write a letter
2.  Care for a pet
3.  Make a phone call
4.  Leave a voicemail
5.  Take a phone message
6.  Sew a button
7.  Select a thoughtful gift
8.  Admit a mistake with grace
9.  Converse with an elder
10.  Set the table
11.  Clear the table
12.  Load and unload the dishwasher
13.  Give someone the benefit of the doubt
14.  Iron a shirt
15.  Introduce themselves
16.  Hammer a nail
17.  Have good table manners
18.  Change a light bulb
19.  Make scrambled eggs
20.  Balance a checkbook
21.  Do the laundry
22.  Fix something
23.  Garden
24.  Open, close and lock windows and doors 
25.  Weigh the pros and cons
26.  Dust
27.  Use a fire extinguisher
28.  Make a healthy salad
29.  Write a thank you note
30.  Make a smoothie
31.  Clean the refrigerator
32.  Vacuum
33.  Hang a picture
34. Clean the bathroom, including the toilet and tub.
35.  Budget their money
36.  Save money
37.  Notice the needs of others
38.  Read a recipe
39.  Play with a baby
40.  Genuinely apologize
41.  Plan a healthy meal
42.  Wash dishes
43.  Clean the kitchen
44.  Refill a stapler
45.  Write a check
46.  Put air in a flat bike or car tire
47.  Change a flat tire
48.  Pump gas
49.  Read a map
50.  Find a book at the library
51.  Check tire pressure
52.  Seek help from an experienced person
53.  Ask questions to get to know someone better
54.  Wait and save for something
55.  Fold the laundry

​As more testing is finally being done and we learn more and more about the spread of the coronavirus (COVID-19), it's becoming clearer that the situation we are all in will last for, at least, the next few months.  
 
​To help your child through the next few months, here are some tips:

First, spend time together as a family.  Bake a cake, have a dance party, do a puzzle together, go for a walk in your neighborhood while maintaining social distance of 6 feet, read a book together, watch a movie as a family, wash the car together, make up stories, laugh, play, and enjoy each other's company.

Second, allow and encourage feelings to be expressed.  It's important to help children express their feelings and make sure you listen and help them expand on what they are sharing. It's also important for children to hear parents express their feelings in a manner that they can process.

Third, reassurance is key. Once we've listened to a child, and tried to fully hear them out, then we should reassure them.  Reassuring someone without listening to them first is not as effective.

Fourth, encourage your child to help others. When children are able to help others, it makes them feel more in control of the world around them. They are no longer helpless, but instead, they're giving help to others. This helps children develop confidence, and it makes them feel proactive in the best of times and in the most difficult situations. 

Happy 2020!  It's a brand new year.  And like most people, you might have made or are going to make some new year's resolutions for 2020.  Perhaps you want to learn how to meditate, erase your debt, eat more fruits and vegetables, go on long hikes, or be mindful when talking to your spouse and children.  

We start the new year and each day with the hope of attaining these goals.  But we are often really afraid to try because we have tried so many times before and don't want to be disappointed.  Recent research suggests that 88% of people fail to stick to their resolutions to change and improve their lives.

We often fail to change our habits because our brain craves consistency and routine and tries so hard to resist change.  It can be very discouraging to try to do things differently, only to find ourselves falling back into old maladaptive patterns.

Most people believe that if we are hard on ourselves, we will be motivated to change.  But the contrary is actually true.  Showing self-compassion, being warm and supportive towards ourselves and actively soothing ourselves, helps more when we fall short of our intentions and goals.  Self-compassion leads to less anxiety, less depression, and greater peace of mind.  Most importantly, it makes us feel more motivated to make the improvements we want to make.

Here are three steps to achieve your resolutions.

1. Forgive yourself

The first step to making lasting change is to forgive yourself for having failed in the past. It’s okay; it’s normal, even. You did the best you could with the skills you had. Take a deep breath and soothe yourself like you might soothe or talk to a good friend.   Use kind, reassuring words to ease yourself out of a stress response. Remind yourself that few people are successful the first time they try to change their routines. Explain to yourself that feeling bad about your behavior will not increase your future success.

2. Aim for an inherently rewarding target

The second step is to set the right resolution, whether that’s a big audacious goal, a new habit you’d like to get into, or a bad habit you’d like to break.

To begin, you might want to:

• Lose weight
• Get in shape or establish an exercise habit
• Spend more time with your friends

It’s important to figure out WHY you want to do this thing that you haven’t been doing so far. You might have a whole laundry list of reasons for wanting to do what you want to do, and that’s great. But right now, I want you to think of the single most compelling way that you’ll benefit from achieving your goal.

Chances are, you’ve come up with a super logical reason for, say, losing weight or exercising, like that it will lower your blood pressure.

Here’s the thing: Even though we all like to think of ourselves as rational people, logic doesn’t motivate us nearly as much as our emotions do. Why? Because we approach what feels good and avoid what feels bad.

This means that we tend to stick with behavior changes for longer when we aim for something that feels good. Doing something because we feel like we should do it doesn’t feel good. It feels like we’re being forced. It’s stressful, and stress makes us seek comfort, often in the very form of behavior that we are trying to avoid.

So, ask yourself in your heart of hearts, how do you really want to feel? Identify a WHY for your resolution that will motivate you over the long haul.

Maybe you want to lose weight, for example, and so you plan to cut baked goods out of your diet, which happen to be your favorite foods. How will that make you feel?

At first, you might feel great, because you’ve just made a healthy decision for yourself. But if you don’t cheat on your diet, you’ll likely soon feel deprived. And if you do begin to cheat on your diet, you’ll probably feel anxious and guilty. Both of these feeling states are not motivating and uncomfortable, which will make it easy for you to give up on your diet.

But maybe the reason that you want to lose weight is so that you feel healthy and strong. Feeling stronger and healthier are very motivating feeling states, which will make it much easier for you to keep your new habit.

With this in mind, rethink your goal or resolution: Restate it for yourself in terms of how you want to feel.  For example:

• “I forbid myself to eat baked goods” could become → “I want to feel healthy and strong.”
• “I have to get more sleep” could become → “I want to feel well-rested and energetic.”
• “I should spend more time with friends” could become → “I want to feel loving and connected.”

3. Refine your resolution

​What actions and behaviors have led you to feel what you want to feel in the past?

Maybe you tend to feel well-rested and energetic when you go to bed before 10 p.m. Perhaps you tend to feel healthy and strong when you go for a hike. Maybe you feel loving and connected when you spend one-on-one time with your sister.

The important thing here is that it is something that you already have experience with; we human beings tend to be truly terrible at predicting how something will make us feel. But we do well to use our own experience to predict how we’ll feel in the future.

Here’s an example of how we frequently go wrong: Say we'd like to feel stronger this upcoming year. This calls for a get-in-shape habit. So, what would be a good way to get in shape? We could train for a marathon! Fun! Ambitious! But before we start researching destination marathons (because why not make it a vacation, too?), we'd do well to stop and ask: How do we feel when we are training for a long run? 

On the other hand, I can think of two activities that DO make me feel stronger:

• Taking long hikes
• High-intensity exercise classes where I sweat a lot

Your “why” for your goal needs to be a rewarding feeling that you experience when you are doing your resolution or, at the very least, immediately after you do it. A daily hike must genuinely make you feel energized, for example, if that is the feeling you are after. 

From here, refine your resolution one more time. Make sure that your resolution reflects a really specific behavior, so that you know if you are succeeding or not. For example, resolve to take three hikes per week after work on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays instead of resolving to “go for more hikes.”

Finally, do a little reality check. Setting unrealistic resolutions is a sure path to failure. If it’s just not realistic for you to, say, leave work an hour early on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that you can do your hike, please don’t make that your resolution.

If you are now aiming for a target that is specific, realistic, and inherently rewarding (because you know it is going to make you feel good), you are all set to accomplish those 2020 resolutions!

Thank you to the kind reader who sent me the following links all about helping your child with autism to connect with their friends and join in on social activities such as birthday parties.

So, bust out the shaving cream, grab the dried rice, beans, and corn, and make your own fun!

7 Sensory Play Activities for Children on the Spectrum

How to Create the Ultimate Playroom for a Child With Autism

How to Explain Autism to Neurotypical Kids

How to Help Your Child with Autism Fit in Socially

Sensory Friendly Birthday Parties for Children with Autism

First love is an unparalleled phenomenon. Nothing can match it in terms of excitement, energy, and positive feelings. Romantic relationships expand adolescents’ social lives as they now spend more time with their boyfriend’s or girlfriends’s social group as well as their own.  They gain an intimate best friend, which needs their increasing friendship and intimacy demands. Teenagers now have someone they are open with and who is reciprocally open with them. They are deeply concerned with one another‘s well-being, which simultaneously feels good and somewhat cracks through their necessarily egocentric world. Trust and compassion are built up through their relationship.

As a parent, you hope that your child feels cared for, listened to, and respected as they navigate their romantic and sexual experiences.  It can be very difficult for parents to talk with their teenagers about this new uncharted territory.  In an ideal world, the road to sex is paved with lots of information and conversation about its mechanical and emotional aspects. Parents play important roles in many of the conversations. If you are too shy or embarrassed to talk about it yourself, you still need to make sure these conversations are taking place.

With this in mind, here are two podcasts that might help to open up the dialogue and increase your comfort level.

Mindshift: The Puberty Lady

Mindshift: Questions Boys Ask About Puberty

The most important thing is to start having these conversations with your children and to keep the dialogue open.
​

Some kids acclimate quickly to new situations. They express excitement about meeting their new classmates at the start of the school year, jump right into the mix at birthday parties, and easily adapt if and when their regular routine is disrupted. For other kids, change is challenging. If your child fits into this latter category, you have a tougher job as a parent. Here are some tips for supporting the child who is behaviorally inhibited, struggles with transitions, and shies away in the face of new people and places.

Avoid Avoidance

What do you do when your child backs out of a playdate the night before because he's too scared to go to his friend's house?  As a parent, it's very tempting to call the other parent and cancel; but research shows that avoidance breeds more avoidance. By letting your child stay home, you would be telling him or her, "You can't handle it." Instead, try gradually building up to the playdate by setting smaller goals and praising each step along the way.   For example, you might sit down with your child and outline a "bravery chart" with smaller steps leading to the ultimate goal of the playdate; he or she could start with a playdate in your home, then in the friend's home with you present, then a short one alone, etc.

Model Calm

When your child is crying hysterically and shaking, it's easy to get anxious, frustrated, angry, discouraged, embarrassed or all of the above. It's even easier to lose it when you share some of your child's anxieties (read: "maybe something bad will happen to him or her  if I leave him or her there"). But in the face of uncertainty, kids look to their parents as guides, and they can be perceptive little individuals. Try to model calm and confidence through the tone and volume of your voice, your body language, and your facial expressions, even when you want to pull your hair out. Think of a few things that are relaxing to you (breathing, counting, using self-validating thoughts like, "this is just my anxiety, my child is ok," and imagining vacation scenes far, far away) and try them--repeatedly--until you find one that takes the edge off. When all else fails, faking it works too.

Refocus Attention on Approach (i.e., "Brave") Behavior

It's surprisingly easy to get stuck focusing on kids' anxious behaviors and reassuring them in relation to their fears. Yet reassurance tends to just reinforce anxiety. Instead, it's important to acknowledge the emotion and then refocus your attention and praise on brave behaviors or even small efforts toward brave behavior. For example, after acknowledging your child's anxiety, try to shift the emphasis by saying something like, "It sounds like you are feeling really afraid of going to Sam's house. What are two brave steps you could take to combat your fear?"

Seek Help if the Anxiety Takes Over
​
If your child's anxiety seems to be pervading one or more areas, including school, relationships, or extracurricular activities, and has begun to interfere with his or her functioning, you should get help for your child from a professional.  

In the Bay Area, I am here to help children and teenagers who are struggling with anxiety.  Please contact me to obtain professional help for your child or teenager.

Being and practicing mindfulness for children, teenagers, and adults has been shown to improve attention, reduce stress and anxiety, increase your ability to regulate your emotions and feel more compassion for yourself and others.  There is remarkable evidence that shows that when you do things like mindfulness and relaxation training and yoga, that you are setting your body up to not express certain genes that could cause a lot of illness and disease in people. 

​While there are several apps to help children and teenagers to improve their mindfulness, there are also some great books and resources that children and teenagers might also benefit from reading.

1.  Sitting Still Like a Frog by Eline Snel

2.  The ABC's of Yoga for Kids by Teresa Power

3. The Yoga Game: By the Sea by Kathy Beliveau

4.  The Mindful Child: How to Help Your Kid Manage Stress and Become Happier, Kinder, and More Compassionate by Susan Greenland

5. Little Flower Yoga for Kids: A Yoga and Mindfulness Program to Help Your Child Improve Attention and Emotional Balance by Jennifer Harper

6.  Yoga Pretzels by Tara Guber and Leah Kalish