Helping Children Adjust to Divorce

The following information is meant for reflection.  It is not meant to serve as a comprehensive list of everything that may help a child following a divorce. 
For further information, consult with a trusted mental health professional.

Hurtful To The Child

• Quarreling with the other parent within earshot of the child
• Berating the other parent within earshot of the child
• Allowing the child to say negative things about the other parent without challenging. (The exception is a report of abuse.  See a mental health professional on how to deal with this kind of allegation.)
• Expressing non-verbal anger toward the other parent within earshot of the child
• Questioning the child about the other parents' personal affairs (ex, using your child as a spy).
• Arguing with positive statements that the child makes about the other parent
• Trying to form a coalition with the child against the other parent
• Threatening to limit access to the other parent
• Threatening to take the other parent to court within earshot of the child
• Rejection the feelings of loss that the child expresses regarding the other parent
• Communicating to the child, directly or indirectly, that there is a love contest going on (ex., the child must decide which parent loves them more).
• Staying trapped in feelings of rage or hurt towards the other parent

Helpful To The Child

• Having positive conversations with the other parent within earshot of the child
• Complimenting the other parent within earshot of the child
• Affirming to the child that the other parent loves him or her
• Qualifying or disagreeing with negative statements that the child makes about the other parent
• Putting the child's best interest above any feelings of rage or hurt that are felt toward the other parent
• Keeping the child unaware of any ongoing court battles
• Making peace with the other parent, as quickly and as thoroughly as possible
• Allowing and welcoming the child to voice feelings of loss pertaining to the other parent
• Allowing the child to talk about and play through their feelings about the divorce
• Providing the child with ways of coping with the divorce (ex., readings, a child divorce support group like Kids Turn, therapy etc).

---