Some kids acclimate quickly to new situations. They express excitement about meeting their new classmates at the start of the school year, jump right into the mix at birthday parties, and easily adapt if and when their regular routine is disrupted. For other kids, change is challenging. If your child fits into this latter category, you have a tougher job as a parent. Here are some tips for supporting the child who is behaviorally inhibited, struggles with transitions, and shies away in the face of new people and places.

Avoid Avoidance

What do you do when your child backs out of a playdate the night before because he's too scared to go to his friend's house?  As a parent, it's very tempting to call the other parent and cancel; but research shows that avoidance breeds more avoidance. By letting your child stay home, you would be telling him or her, "You can't handle it." Instead, try gradually building up to the playdate by setting smaller goals and praising each step along the way.   For example, you might sit down with your child and outline a "bravery chart" with smaller steps leading to the ultimate goal of the playdate; he or she could start with a playdate in your home, then in the friend's home with you present, then a short one alone, etc.

Model Calm

When your child is crying hysterically and shaking, it's easy to get anxious, frustrated, angry, discouraged, embarrassed or all of the above. It's even easier to lose it when you share some of your child's anxieties (read: "maybe something bad will happen to him or her  if I leave him or her there"). But in the face of uncertainty, kids look to their parents as guides, and they can be perceptive little individuals. Try to model calm and confidence through the tone and volume of your voice, your body language, and your facial expressions, even when you want to pull your hair out. Think of a few things that are relaxing to you (breathing, counting, using self-validating thoughts like, "this is just my anxiety, my child is ok," and imagining vacation scenes far, far away) and try them--repeatedly--until you find one that takes the edge off. When all else fails, faking it works too.

Refocus Attention on Approach (i.e., "Brave") Behavior

It's surprisingly easy to get stuck focusing on kids' anxious behaviors and reassuring them in relation to their fears. Yet reassurance tends to just reinforce anxiety. Instead, it's important to acknowledge the emotion and then refocus your attention and praise on brave behaviors or even small efforts toward brave behavior. For example, after acknowledging your child's anxiety, try to shift the emphasis by saying something like, "It sounds like you are feeling really afraid of going to Sam's house. What are two brave steps you could take to combat your fear?"

Seek Help if the Anxiety Takes Over
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If your child's anxiety seems to be pervading one or more areas, including school, relationships, or extracurricular activities, and has begun to interfere with his or her functioning, you should get help for your child from a professional.  

In the Bay Area, I am here to help children and teenagers who are struggling with anxiety.  Please contact me to obtain professional help for your child or teenager.

Procrastination

     What makes some tasks harder than others to tackle?  It turns out the time allotted for the work matters less than how our minds perceives the deadline.  When a deadline feels like it is part of the present- say, within the current month, we are more likely to begin the task.

      Studies find that the brain divides time into discrete categories, with boundaries at the end of a moth or the start of a new year, for example.   To motivate yourself to start a task you are putting off, try thinking about time boundaries differently.  For a deadline next month, you might call it three weeks instead or design a new calendar for yourself that does not break up the months.  Research also suggests that dividing tasks into smaller, incremental steps with their own deadlines, will feel more immediate.

Impulsiveness

     Gazing at images of the great outdoors has been linked with a range of benefits, including pain relief, stress recovery, and mood improvement.  Now, research has shown that thinking of and looking at pictures of nature also helps to orient you to the future and reduce impulsivity.  Seeing nature or even pictures of nature makes us think more about the future.  When time is expanded, it is easier for people to imagine the future and this effect appears to lessen the draw of immediate temptations.  This is something to consider the next time you are at the office working late and your desire is to raid the fridge.  Watching the sunset or nature landscapes on your computer may help to keep you oriented towards the future and not the immediate temptation.

Performance Anxiety

     A pounding heart, rapid breathing, racing thoughts--is it anxiety or excitement?  New studies at Harvard University found that by interpreting these sensations as excitement instead of anxiety allowed people to perform better in three types of stressful situations: singing in front of strangers, speaking in public, and solving difficult math problems.  

       Most people try to calm down when facing high-stress situations, but that approach can backfire by increasing rumination about what could go wrong.  Instead choose to focus on the potential high points of the situation, such as looking forward to making colleagues laugh during a presentation or knowing how to solve some problems on a test.  Getting excited about how things can go well will give you confidence and energy and increase the likelihood that the positive outcomes you imagine will actually happen.       

October is upon us!  And at the end of this month, it will be Halloween.  For most children, this is a fun holiday to dress up, imagine you are someone else, and go trick-or-treating!  For those of you who give out candy, you will get to see the cool costumes of the season and hear the laughter of children. Some families will participate in neighborhood activities as well.  

For the child with special needs, Halloween can be fun but it can also be challenging.  For the anxious child, Halloween can be hard because they might be fearful or shy with strangers or in groups.  For the child with sensory processing disorder, the loud noises of Halloween or their costume can be hard to tolerate.  For the nonverbal child, they will not be able to verbally say "Trick or Treat" or "Thank you!"  For the child with autism, Halloween can be challenging because of the costumes, loud noises, change in routine, and social demands.

If you anticipate that your child with special needs may have a challenging time with Halloween, there are some things that you can do.

Tips for parents

1.  Prepare!  In the weeks leading up to Halloween, have your child wear their costume around the house.  Have them practice saying, "Trick or Treat!" if they are verbal.   Maybe consider writing a social story for the child with autism and read it daily with them.  Social Stories, which were created by Carol Gray, gives children very specific information about what they should expect and how to respond in a variety of situations.  An example of a social story for Halloween can be found here:  http://www.autismsocialstories.com/Halloween/.

2.  Read Books about Halloween.  Reading books about Halloween is an easy way to start talking about Halloween and to discuss stories, ideas, and to share ideas.

3.  To Wear or Not to Wear: The Halloween Costume.  If your child refused to wear a scratchy costume, something in their hair, or face paint, don't worry about it and don't force it.  The day should be about having fun together.

4.  Trick or Treat!  Many children with autism have dietary restrictions or very selective food preferences.   Friends and neighbors can give out inexpensive, yet inedible treats like stickers or squishy balls.  As a parent, you could even visit your neighbors before the big night and leave them something that they can give your child that you know the child will enjoy. That also gives you the opportunity to let your neighbors know that you’re going to be trick-or-treating with your child with special needs. You can explain it’s their first time (or not) and you’re unsure how it will go, but are excited to give it a try and would appreciate their patience.

5.  Keep it in perspective!  It's best to let your child lead in terms of how long they can trick-or-treat for.  If your child is done after 20 minutes, then so be it and head home.

Tips for the Ones Giving Out Candy

• Don’t assume a child is rude because he or she snubs your candy bowl; they may have an allergy or be diabetic and knows better than to put his or her hand in with all those Snickers.
• If a child grabs more than one candy, they may have poor fine motor skills.
• The child who takes forever to pick out one piece of candy may have motor planning issues.
• Likewise, don’t assume an “old enough” child has no manners because he or she doesn’t say thank you; they may be nonverbal or extremely shy.
• The child who runs into your home may not understand the difference between their home and yours and means you no harm. They probably see something in your house that they really like, such as your collection of Disney DVD's. 
• Make sure pathways are clear and well lit. Just because you don’t take the side path doesn’t mean an eager trick-or-treater won’t, so take an extra moment to put away rakes and hoses.
• If your home has steps leading to the door, consider setting up a candy bowl at sidewalk level with a sign inviting children who might not be able to navigate the stairs or may be in a wheelchair. Don’t want to miss the interaction? Set up camp on your patio, and greet children as they come up the walk.

​Make your own tradition this year, one of acceptance and patience. This fresh perspective may mean the difference between a frightening, stressful holiday and one full of happy memories.

Grounding is a technique that helps keep someone in the present. They can help to reorient a person to the here-and-now and to stay in the present Grounding skills can be helpful in managing overwhelming feelings or intense anxiety. They help someone to regain their mental focus from an often intensely emotional state.

Grounding Exercise #1:

Begin by tracing your hand on a piece of paper and label each finger as one of the five senses. Then take each finger and identify something special and safe representing each of those five senses. For example: Thumb represents sight and a label for sight might be butterflies or my middle finger represents the smell sense and it could be represented by lilacs. After writing and drawing all this on paper, post it on your refrigerator or other safe places in the home where it could be easily seen and memorize it. Whenever you get triggered, breathe deeply and slowly, and put your hand in front of your face where you can really see it – stare at your hand and then look at each finger and try to do the five senses exercise from memory.

 Grounding Exercise #2:

• Keep your eyes open, look around the room, notice your surroundings, notice details.
• Hold a pillow, stuffed animal or a ball.
• Place a cool cloth on your face, or hold something cool such as a can of soda.
• Listen to soothing music
• Put your feet firmly on the ground
• Focus on someone’s voice or a neutral conversation.

Grounding Exercise #3:

Here’s the 54321 “game”
• Name 5 things you can see in the room with you. • Name 4 things you can feel (“chair on my back” or “feet on floor” or "breeze on my face")
• Name 3 things you can hear right now (“fingers tapping on keyboard” or “birds chirping")
• Name 2 things you can smell right now (or, 2 things you like the smell of)
• Name 1 good thing about yourself 

Summer is finally upon us!  The days are longer and the weather in the Bay Area is gorgeous.  You are probably getting invites to a friend's pool party or a company barbecue.  Parties are supposed to be fun. But for shy individuals or anyone who gets anxious, trying to start a conversation in a room full of strangers can be a harrowing experience.  Don't fret!  With the right tricks, you can not only survive, but actually enjoy yourself.  

How do you mingle? How do you fit in? For shy people, introverted or extroverted, this scenario can be a nightmare. It might not even be a party. It could be a workshop, a networking event, or any other situation in which everyone seems to know someone but you. Here are a few tips and methods to help ease the anxiety—and maybe even have a little fun.

1.  Offer to Help The Host

At parties, this tip can be a lifesaver. Once you arrive, find the host, and offer your help. It’s a polite gesture, and it gives you something to do. Even if the host doesn’t need any help, he or she may sense your apprehension and give you a task to keep busy. A good host will probably also introduce you to a few people so you can get the conversation going.

Ask to chop some veggies, plate some food, or play bartender. It’ll keep you occupied, you won’t feel as awkward, and it will get your mind off the stress.

Another idea is to bring something that needs to be prepared.  This automatically gives you something to do once you arrive. You don’t want to spend the whole night making a cake from scratch, but a little guacamole won’t take long, and it gives you a chance to ease into the party. It might even be a good ice breaker; people may wonder what you’ve brought. You can explain to them what it is, what you’re doing, and how they can make it themselves.

2. Brush Up On Your Conversational Skills

For most people, small talk is not very fun or engaging. But we have to start somewhere. Here are a few tried-and-true ways to break the ice:

• Ask a question: This is an easy way to start a conversation, because the response is necessary. Make sure it’s an open-ended question that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Or, if it can be answered with a simple yes or no, make sure it allows for a follow-up.
• Compliments: When you compliment someone, they’ll often compliment you back, and this gets a conversation going. You can also ask a question after the compliment. “Nice earrings. Where’d you get them?”
• Occasion, Location: Use the “Occasion, Location” rule to kick start a conversation. Ask about the occasion or the location of the event. You probably don’t want to go with the cliche, “come here often?” But “have you ever been here?” might work. “How do you know the host” is always a good one, too.

After that initial ice breaker, it might be time to extend the conversation to the next level. Here’s how to make this happen:

• Share small details until one of them sticks: Once you’ve gauged each others’ interest with a bit of small talk, you’ll probably find there’s one topic that piques both your interests a little more than the others. Latch onto it and dive a little deeper.
• Give specific answers: A great way to boost the conversation after a cliche ice breaker is to give a non-cliche answer. If someone asks “what do you do?” for example, come up with a specific answer. Maybe it’s a story about your job or an example of what you do on a day-to-day basis. If someone asks, “How do you know the host?” you might tell a funny anecdote about how you met. This gives the conversation more room to progress than the expected, “we went to college together.”
• Arm yourself with relevant topics: Whether it’s current events, or just some fun background about the event, prepare yourself with a couple of interesting topics, then find a way to weave them into the conversation.

After you've got the  conversation going, try some of these tips to prevent the chat from becoming stale or going south:

• React to what a person says in the spirit in which that that comment was offered: If they tell you a lighthearted joke, respond lightheartedly. This keeps the conversation enjoyable and simpatico.
• Ask “getting-to-know you” questions: It’s important to ask the right questions. You want to get to know the person you’re talking to, but make sure the questions you’re asking are also relevant and appropriate. Take a genuine interest in learning about the person.
• Don’t dominate the conversation: This is probably a no-brainer for shy folks, but sometimes it’s easy to start rambling when you’re afraid of any awkward silence. If the other person hasn’t said anything in a while, it’s time to stop and check yourself. If someone feels they’re in a one-way conversation, they’re probably thinking about how to bail.

Going to a party or event alone sounds intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be. Prepare yourself with a few methods for starting a conversation, and you’ll be fine. Once you find just one person to talk to, the whole situation becomes a lot easier. After a while, you may even forget about how awkward you felt and start to enjoy yourself.

Anxiety or nervousness happens to everyone.  It is very treatable and manageable.  Here are five simple and powerful ways to reduce your anxiety:

1.  Get moving!  Doing any kind of physical exercise can help to lower your anxiety.  When you feel tension or nervous, try to exercise as soon as possible to reduce your anxiety.  Go for a hike, swim, do some jumping jacks, go for a bike ride, or dance to your favorite music.

2.  Practice Deep Breathing.  When we feel anxious, we tend to breathe shallowly and rapidly.  Focusing on your breathing can help to reduce your anxiety. Practice deep breathing or "belly breathing" by putting your hand on your abdomen and inhaling deeply.  Allow your abdomen to fill with air.  Exhale slowly and repeat until you feel calmer.

3.  Talk it out!  When we keep nervous feelings bottled up inside, they don't go away.  The anxiety just gets more overwhelming.  Talking about your feelings with a trusted friend, parent, sibling, or co-worker can help to reduce your anxiety.  A therapist can also help you to express your feelings and reduce your anxiety.

4.  Practice positive self-talk.  When we feel nervous, we tend to think that the worse is going to happen.  We worry!  We may even beat ourselves up for being nervous.  Be kinder to yourself and be more positive with yourself.  Just like you wouldn't say mean things to your best friend, be kind and compassionate with yourself.  Your anxiety will diminish with more positive and compassionate self-talk.

5.  Write it out!  It often helps to write down your thoughts or feelings or worries.  Writing them down helps to reduce your anxiety by getting these thoughts out of your mind and on paper.  Journal writing is personal and private.  You don't have to show your writing to anyone.  Expressing your feelings is a good way to help alleviate your anxiety.