Writing in a journal is a great tool to use when you are struggling with something or when you are having intense feelings.  Journaling is a private activity and you never have to show anything that you write, doodle, draw, or create.  

People often wonder how to get started with journaling.  To someone who has never tried to journal, it can seem difficult.  Try to remember that there is no right or wrong answer.  You also do not have to worry about misspellings, punctuation, or run-on sentences.  Just put pen to paper and start writing.  Some people ask if using technology to journal is okay.  It is okay but it is less effective. Research has shown that putting pen to paper allows our brains to process the information in a different way.  Also, if you are setting goals for yourself, writing them down makes them more concrete and makes you more likely to achieve your goals.

For some of my adult patients, I have encouraged journaling.  For some people, free writing or uncensored, stream of consciousness writing comes naturally to them.  For other people, this can be hard to do.  With that in mind, here are some prompts I have collected over the years to help people who are either new to journaling or who need a little encouragement.  Feel free to use whatever works best for you.  

Some Writing Prompts for Better Mental Health:

1.  Tell Me a Story about Your Family.
2.  Who or What Inspires You?
3.  What are 25 of your favorite personal qualities?
4.  What really scares me is...
5.  What makes me happy?
6.  Write a letter to your future self in 5 or 10 years.
7. What is one thing you wish other people understood about you?
8. When was the last time that you learned a new skill?  Tell me about that process.
9.   Write about a time when you were courageous.
10. Write about your current, last, or favorite pet.
11.  What are your hopes, dreams, and aspirations?
12.  If you could have one perfect day, what would it look like?  
13.  Write a letter to your younger self.
14.  Write about a time when you helped someone who didn't ask for your help.  
15.  Who was your childhood hero?

Happy Journaling!

Starting college, students usually have expectations about college life long before they actually leave home.  Some freshmen eagerly look forward to college and experiencing more freedom and adventure.  Other students may be enthusiastic about college initially, but then discover that their actual experience falls short of their expectations.  They don’t feel comfortable, happy, or secure in their new environment.  There are still other students who know that leaving home will be hard and dread the thought of saying good-bye to their friends and family, dread the idea of packing and going to college. 

​Nearly every individual encounters challenging experiences at the beginning of college that they did not anticipate.  The transition to college, a generally positive experience, can produce stress and place demands that can lead to varying emotions including sadness, loneliness, and worry.  These feelings are typical and part of the normal developmental transition to college.

Changes to Expect in the First Year of College

• Increased responsibility
• Increased personal freedom
• Managing time
• Different relationships and environments at college
• Changing relationships with friends and family at home

 
Many students welcome the freedom to make their own decisions about what they want to do each day while in college and other students struggle with this level of freedom.  Freshmen must decide when and how to study, socialize with new acquaintances, become involved in activities, exercise, manage their finances, and make time to eat and sleep. 

Students are faced, often for the first time, with the need to take more initiative to address responsibilities, such as scheduling their classes, buying personal items, making appointments to take care of health needs, asking professors and staff for help, and doing laundry. Freshmen have to adjust to new surroundings and negotiate conflicts with new roommates.

Frequent calls home from freshmen are common, especially during the first few months away at college. It may be very hard to say goodbye at the end of holiday or semester breaks. It may also be difficult to re-adjust to rules at home, such as curfews, chores or responsibilities for younger siblings. It is important to point out that parents also need to adjust during this period.

Many students leave high school boyfriends or girlfriends when they go to college. There may be disagreement about whether it is okay to make new friends or see other people. One, or both, partners may struggle with feeling lonely, sad, or jealous, especially if the other partner seems to be happier and adjusting better.

Easing the Transition:

·       Reach out to others in your dorm. You are likely to find that you are not the only one who is sad and upset. Your R.A. (Resident Adviser) is a good resource to talk to and to help you figure out how to cope. Upperclassmen may also be good people to turn to. They might want to share their experiences with you as well what they did to cope.

·     Join campus organizations and clubs that appeal to you. These activities do not have to be a perfect match for you, but can still help you to meet and interact with others who share similar interests and/or may also be looking to meet friends outside the dorm environment. It helps to get more involved!

·   Make an extra effort to take care of yourself, including making time to rest, eat balanced meals, exercise and avoid abusing alcohol or drugs. Try to develop a manageable schedule, including identifying your optimal place and time in the day to study.

·  Adjust your expectations if things are not working out as you planned. For example, your roommate might not be your best friend. You may need to initiate conversations about conflict over personal space and living habits. Try to give yourself some time to adjust. Recognize that relationships take time to develop (e.g. most students’ friendships from home formed over a period of years), and that your surroundings will become more familiar over time.

·     Seek out resources on campus that can help you address problems and get support, both academically and personally. These varied resources include your adviser, professors, your RA, and other university services such as the Counseling Center and the Student Services Center, Each of these resources will also assist in connecting you with other helpful resources on campus.
 

Grounding is a technique that helps keep someone in the present. They can help to reorient a person to the here-and-now and to stay in the present Grounding skills can be helpful in managing overwhelming feelings or intense anxiety. They help someone to regain their mental focus from an often intensely emotional state.

Grounding Exercise #1:

Begin by tracing your hand on a piece of paper and label each finger as one of the five senses. Then take each finger and identify something special and safe representing each of those five senses. For example: Thumb represents sight and a label for sight might be butterflies or my middle finger represents the smell sense and it could be represented by lilacs. After writing and drawing all this on paper, post it on your refrigerator or other safe places in the home where it could be easily seen and memorize it. Whenever you get triggered, breathe deeply and slowly, and put your hand in front of your face where you can really see it – stare at your hand and then look at each finger and try to do the five senses exercise from memory.

 Grounding Exercise #2:

• Keep your eyes open, look around the room, notice your surroundings, notice details.
• Hold a pillow, stuffed animal or a ball.
• Place a cool cloth on your face, or hold something cool such as a can of soda.
• Listen to soothing music
• Put your feet firmly on the ground
• Focus on someone’s voice or a neutral conversation.

Grounding Exercise #3:

Here’s the 54321 “game”
• Name 5 things you can see in the room with you. • Name 4 things you can feel (“chair on my back” or “feet on floor” or "breeze on my face")
• Name 3 things you can hear right now (“fingers tapping on keyboard” or “birds chirping")
• Name 2 things you can smell right now (or, 2 things you like the smell of)
• Name 1 good thing about yourself 

Summer is finally upon us!  The days are longer and the weather in the Bay Area is gorgeous.  You are probably getting invites to a friend's pool party or a company barbecue.  Parties are supposed to be fun. But for shy individuals or anyone who gets anxious, trying to start a conversation in a room full of strangers can be a harrowing experience.  Don't fret!  With the right tricks, you can not only survive, but actually enjoy yourself.  

How do you mingle? How do you fit in? For shy people, introverted or extroverted, this scenario can be a nightmare. It might not even be a party. It could be a workshop, a networking event, or any other situation in which everyone seems to know someone but you. Here are a few tips and methods to help ease the anxiety—and maybe even have a little fun.

1.  Offer to Help The Host

At parties, this tip can be a lifesaver. Once you arrive, find the host, and offer your help. It’s a polite gesture, and it gives you something to do. Even if the host doesn’t need any help, he or she may sense your apprehension and give you a task to keep busy. A good host will probably also introduce you to a few people so you can get the conversation going.

Ask to chop some veggies, plate some food, or play bartender. It’ll keep you occupied, you won’t feel as awkward, and it will get your mind off the stress.

Another idea is to bring something that needs to be prepared.  This automatically gives you something to do once you arrive. You don’t want to spend the whole night making a cake from scratch, but a little guacamole won’t take long, and it gives you a chance to ease into the party. It might even be a good ice breaker; people may wonder what you’ve brought. You can explain to them what it is, what you’re doing, and how they can make it themselves.

2. Brush Up On Your Conversational Skills

For most people, small talk is not very fun or engaging. But we have to start somewhere. Here are a few tried-and-true ways to break the ice:

• Ask a question: This is an easy way to start a conversation, because the response is necessary. Make sure it’s an open-ended question that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Or, if it can be answered with a simple yes or no, make sure it allows for a follow-up.
• Compliments: When you compliment someone, they’ll often compliment you back, and this gets a conversation going. You can also ask a question after the compliment. “Nice earrings. Where’d you get them?”
• Occasion, Location: Use the “Occasion, Location” rule to kick start a conversation. Ask about the occasion or the location of the event. You probably don’t want to go with the cliche, “come here often?” But “have you ever been here?” might work. “How do you know the host” is always a good one, too.

After that initial ice breaker, it might be time to extend the conversation to the next level. Here’s how to make this happen:

• Share small details until one of them sticks: Once you’ve gauged each others’ interest with a bit of small talk, you’ll probably find there’s one topic that piques both your interests a little more than the others. Latch onto it and dive a little deeper.
• Give specific answers: A great way to boost the conversation after a cliche ice breaker is to give a non-cliche answer. If someone asks “what do you do?” for example, come up with a specific answer. Maybe it’s a story about your job or an example of what you do on a day-to-day basis. If someone asks, “How do you know the host?” you might tell a funny anecdote about how you met. This gives the conversation more room to progress than the expected, “we went to college together.”
• Arm yourself with relevant topics: Whether it’s current events, or just some fun background about the event, prepare yourself with a couple of interesting topics, then find a way to weave them into the conversation.

After you've got the  conversation going, try some of these tips to prevent the chat from becoming stale or going south:

• React to what a person says in the spirit in which that that comment was offered: If they tell you a lighthearted joke, respond lightheartedly. This keeps the conversation enjoyable and simpatico.
• Ask “getting-to-know you” questions: It’s important to ask the right questions. You want to get to know the person you’re talking to, but make sure the questions you’re asking are also relevant and appropriate. Take a genuine interest in learning about the person.
• Don’t dominate the conversation: This is probably a no-brainer for shy folks, but sometimes it’s easy to start rambling when you’re afraid of any awkward silence. If the other person hasn’t said anything in a while, it’s time to stop and check yourself. If someone feels they’re in a one-way conversation, they’re probably thinking about how to bail.

Going to a party or event alone sounds intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be. Prepare yourself with a few methods for starting a conversation, and you’ll be fine. Once you find just one person to talk to, the whole situation becomes a lot easier. After a while, you may even forget about how awkward you felt and start to enjoy yourself.

Psychologists John and Julie Gottman have been researching couples and relationships for over 40 years.  These renowned experts on marital stability run The Gottman Institute, which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific research.

Their research has shown that kindness is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.  If you desire a stable and healthy relationship, practice kindness with your partner early and often.

Generosity is the second most important quality in building a lasting, strong relationship.  We often think of generosity as small acts of kindness like doing the dishes when your partner is tired or buying your partner some flowers or giving your partner a long hug after a long, hard day at work. But generosity can also be seen as being generous about your partner's intentions.

Read more about these ideas to building and maintaining a healthy, lasting relationship in this article.

One of the most common reasons why people fail to meet their goals is because they are discouraged by their setbacks.
Recent research at Rutgers University reveals that people who felt a setback was within their control were more likely to persevere afterward, as were people who got more frustrated by adversity.  The results coincide with a larger body of research suggesting that if you approach setbacks and your ensuing negative emotions with the right mindset, you will be more likely to bounce back.

Here are some ways to increase your feelings of control:

• Every setback is educational and will help you learn how to succeed.  
• See the journey to your goal as an adventure. Any setbacks are interesting plot twists rather than verdicts on your abilities.
• Re-evaluate your actions to consider what you might have done differently.
• Look at the chance to try again as an opportunity and another learning experience.
• Change your mindset to view persistence as a choice, instead of a personality trait.
• Seek specific critical feedback.  Detailed information and feedback can help you focus on what might need to be changed.

Using frustration to your advantage:

• Look at frustration as a positive sign that you care about your goal.
• Allow frustration to fuel you.  Use it to guide you to what can be done differently the next time.  This shift in perspective will allow you to see setbacks as valuable information.
• Try not to beat yourself up.  Blaming yourself and feeling inadequate may prevent you from figuring out what to change on your next attempt.
• Attempt to decrease stress in general and overall.  People have a harder time coping with emotions when they are stressed or overwhelmed.

A six year-old boy received a surprise gift from his father.  Can you believe it was car? Yes, a car!  His father decided not to re-register his second car. Rather than selling it, he parked it in a corner of their big backyard, removed the fuel tank, secured the car so it could not roll away, and then handed his son the keys.  That year, the six year-old drove his mother from Sydney to Melbourne, then to Brisbane, and across Australia time and again. He drove his dad to the beach, to the mountains, and even to New Zealand! Each trip only took around ten minutes, but those trips created lasting memories for an imaginative boy and his parents.

Play is all about exploration, imagination, and wonder. Play is about spontaneity, discovery, and creativity.  Being able to play, for children, teenagers, and adults is a lifelong skills that builds and satisfies curiosity, broadens our way of thinking, reduces stress, invigorates imagination, and boosts energy levels.

Play is not just for kids. Adults, and especially parents, benefit from play as much as children, if not more. Children and adults need to learn the skill of play.

How play aids a child’s development

Play allows children to use their creativity while developing their imagination, dexterity, and physical, cognitive, and emotional strength.  It allows children to explore the world, practice adult roles, and gain confidence. And it improves children's social skills as well, by helping them to learn how to work in groups, to share, to negotiate, to resolve conflicts, and to learn self-advocacy skills.

Play helps with communication

Play provides opportunities for children to develop speech and language abilities and to practice listening.  Whether their play is companion-based with a sibling, peer, parent, or therapist, or solo play using imagination, children talk and listen while playing. It can be exciting to hear your child sitting in the family room interacting with toys and hearing her play one character, then another, as the toys interact. It can be invigorating to watch your son dress up as a superhero and save the bath toys from the evil emperor. It was meaningful for a mother to sit in a beat-up old car and listen as her son drove her around Australia.

Play helps with relationships

Play promotes social interaction, social skills, and competence. Children who play learn how relationships work through their play experiences. The number of friendships and the quality of their friendships will also usually increase as play becomes more prevalent.

Play boosts cognitive development

Imaginative play and role-playing are particularly powerful kinds of play that help the brain develop in more functional and positive ways. Children who engage in these kinds of play have a more sophisticated level of interaction with others and with their environment than those who do not. This is particularly evident in studies of children who watch high levels of television in comparison to children who spend more time playing.

Research has shown that:

• Children whose dads played with them were found to have greater levels of imagination and cognitive ability compared to kids whose dads were non-players.
• Children whose mons played with them experienced more secure attachment to their moms, and enjoyed more positive development when compared to children whose moms were unavailable for play.
• Older children who played with their parents were also more engaged in other activities, experienced positive school engagement, had positive mental health, had stronger friendships, and enjoyed greater family closeness compared with older children without playful parents.

How Play Benefits Parents

So how do parents benefit from this? After all, parents are the ones who are juggling the needs of the children with the demands of being "the responsible adult" who doesn’t actually have time for play.

It can be really hard to enjoy it. Lots of parents feel like it’s no fun to play at all. Dress-ups, dolls, swordfights, Pokemon, littlest pet-shops, and bouncing on the trampoline may not be your idea of good fun. But parents who play get big boosts in their self-esteem, and most importantly, significant increases in their relationship satisfaction.  This goes for both playing with their children, and also being playful with other adults, particularly spouses.

​Happy New Year!  As this new year begins, we tend to look to ways to renew, connect and invigorate our lives.  We most likely have personal, professional, and spiritual goals that we are striving for in the new year.  These goals and aspirations may come in the forms of New Year’s resolutions.  Despite your belief in New Year’s resolutions, they are, at the core, about making positive changes in one’s life.  As a licensed psychologist, I deal with change and helping people to attain the change they want in their lives on a daily basis.
 
In 1984, two researchers in the field of chemical dependency, Carlo DiClemente and J. Prochaska introduced a six-stage model of change to help professionals understand their clients with addiction problems.  Their model is based on personal observation of how people proceeded with modifying problematic behaviors, such as smoking, drug or alcohol consumption, and overeating. 

DiClemente and Prochaska’s model involves six stages that takes a person from the beginning of learning by identifying the problem to the final result of living without that problem.  The six stages of the model are precontemplation, contemplation, determination, action, maintenance, and termination.  Changing lifestyles, habits, or beliefs can be a daunting task; but having an understanding of how change takes place and the process that is involved can help us tremendously.  These are the steps that we must take in order to make lasting changes. 
 
           Precontemplation
 
Individuals in the precontemplation stage are not thinking about changing their behavior.  People in this stage are often described as “in denial” due to their claim that their behavior is not a problem or that others who point out the problem are exaggerating.  A person in the precontemplation stage may feel resigned to their current state or believe that they have no control over their behavior.  They may be overwhelmed by the problematic behavior. 
 
          Contemplation
 
During this stage, people are becoming more aware that they might have a problem.  They are starting to think about the potential benefits of making a change, but the costs tend to stand out even more.  This tension creates ambivalence about changing.  They are on the fence. The contemplation stage is not a stage of commitment, but more a stage of learning about their area of difficulty and the different treatment options. 
 
Because of this high ambivalence and uncertainty, the contemplation stage of change can last months or even years. In fact, many people never make it past the contemplation phase. During this stage, you may view change as a process of giving something up rather than a means of gaining emotional, mental, or physical benefits.

          Determination: Commitment to Action

During the determination or preparation stage, while the ambivalence might still be there in smaller degrees, the individual has resolved to make some changes.  You might begin by making smaller changes to prepare for a larger change.  For example, if your goal is to lose weight, you might drink more water, and eat less fried foods.  If your goal is to stop smoking, you might smoke a few less cigarettes each day.  You might take some form of direct action, such as consulting a therapist, joining a health club or weight loss group, or read some self-help books.
​
This stage represents preparation as much as determination. The next step in this stage is to make a realistic plan. Commitment to change without appropriate skills and activities can create a shaky and incomplete action plan. Often, with the help of a treatment professional, individuals will make a realistic assessment of the level of difficulty involved in stopping their problematic behavior.  They will begin to anticipate pitfalls and come up with concrete solutions. 

           Action

In this fourth stage of change, people begin taking more direct action in order to accomplish their goals.  The action stage typically involves making some form of public commitment in order to get external confirmation of the plan.  Making such public commitments not only helps people obtain the support they need, but it creates external monitors. People often find it very helpful to know that others are watching and cheering them on. A person who has implemented a good plan begins to see it working and experiences it working over time, making adjustments along the way.  The action stage normally takes three to six months to complete.

Oftentimes, resolutions fail because the previous steps have not been given enough thought or time.  For example, many people make a new year’s resolution to lose weight and immediately start a new exercise regimen, begin eating a healthier diet, and cut back on sugary snacks. These definitive steps are vital to success, but these efforts are often abandoned in a matter of weeks because the previous steps have been overlooked.

If you are currently taking action towards achieving a goal, congratulate and reward yourself for any positive steps you take. Reinforcement and support are extremely important in helping maintain positive steps toward change. Take the time to periodically review your motivations, resources, and progress in order to refresh your commitment and belief in your abilities.

          Maintenance

Change requires building a new pattern of behavior over time. The real test of change is long-term sustained change over many years. This fifth stage of successful change is called maintenance.  During this stage, people become more assured that they will be able to continue making the change that they have begun. If you are trying to maintain a new behavior, look for ways to avoid temptation. Try replacing old habits with more positive actions.

In any behavioral change, relapses are a common occurrence.  When you go through a relapse, you might experience feelings of failure, disappointment, anger, and frustration.  The key to success is to not let these setbacks undermine your self-confidence. Relapses are common and are a part of the process of making lifelong change.  If you relapse back to an old behavior, take a good look at what caused the relapse.  What were the triggers and what can you do to avoid these triggers in the future, if possible?

While relapses can be difficult, the best solution is to start again with the preparation, action, or maintenance stages of behavior change. You might want to reassess your resources and techniques. Reaffirm your motivation, plan of action, and commitment to your goals. Also, make plans for how you will deal with any future temptations.

          Termination
 
The ultimate goal in the change process is termination. At this stage, the individual feels that the old behavior is not a threat anymore and that he or she has complete confidence to cope without fear of relapse.  In this final stage of termination, the threat of relapse is truly reduced. When triggers arise, such as personal crisis or financial hardship, the person has a support system in place and resources available to maintain their new healthier habits.  

How many times a day do you get asked, "How are you?" or "How was your day?"  While these are polite questions, they tend not to lead to very fruitful conversations.  Have you ever tried to ask a child these same questions?  Of course, you have! I have too.  Often, the question of "How are you?" or "How was your day?" is met with a one-word answer, typically "Fine."  

Recently, Sara Goldstein wrote a great article with 30 different questions to ask your child instead of the old stand-by of "How was your day?"  

If you would like more ideas of engaging questions to ask your child about their day, Liz Evans wrote about 25 more options.

I hope these thoughtful and fun questions spark some new and interesting conversations with your child.